A Final Lesson From Granny Bubbles

What do you say when you know you’re having one of your last conversations with a loved-one on the phone? Everything seems trivial. Grasping for what to say, the words just spilled out: “Can I pray for you, Bubbles?”

This is not something I ever remember asking my 93-year-old grandmother before, but her body was failing, and I knew she was very uncomfortable. The timing and circumstances seemed right. She agreed, “Please pray that I do God’s will, Amanda.”

Later, thinking more about that phone conversation, one of our last before her passing in early December, I sheepishly remembered my initial response: “That’s it?”  I thought, “Don’t you want relief from the physical discomfort? Don’t you want to be able to breathe better? Don’t you want this to be easier? I can pray for you to do God’s will, but I want to pray for more!” My beloved grandmother’s desire was simple, yet profound for me. Bubbles really ONLY wanted to do God’s will. Thankfully I kept those thoughts to myself!

How often am I throwing my own will into all the things I go about doing in life? And, when did wanting to do God’s will become not enough, or somehow more of a big picture idea than applying to every area of my life, all the time?

I was reminded of this conversation recently*, as I felt a fresh wave of rejection and grief crop up while thinking about a friendship that’s changed and is now different from what it once was. In other words, I was grieving that loss, and wanting my own will! My will causes conflict within. It causes anxiety. It causes stress. What if, my response was: “Not my will, but thy will be done.”

This may seem extreme since these were Jesus’ words as he faced his death on the cross. He laid his own will down, relinquished it to the father. As I reflect on the way Bubbles lived, and on some verses below, I know that trying to live in submission to God’s will is a much more free way to live.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-7

Jesus taught us how to pray by giving us the Lord’s Prayer. As I apply this one particular principle of focusing more on wanting to do God’s will above my own, it is amazing how it fits all the scenarios currently bringing stress, sadness, and/or disappointment in my life.  

“Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” Matthew 6:9-13

In this constant preassure-cooker Covid situation, it’s so easy for me to fall in to patterns of caring about what friends think – assuming I’m being judged because my politics or views on Covid may be different from someone else’s. Instead of starting to feel anxious about that, I can shift my thoughts to a prayer: “Not my will, but thy will be done.”

As I was confronted with sadness and frustration when we couldn’t give our kids the experiences and fun times we wanted for them this Christmas because we were quarantined with Covid, I could trust that God allowed that to happen. And His way IS best. “Not my will, but thy will be done.”

Starting to get excited about plans, but then feeling anxious about things not working out.  Or, letting go of the plans when they don’t work out. “Not my will, but thy will be done.”

As I think about our health and I hear my husband coughing next to me in bed, anxiety is ready to creep in, reminding me of what Covid “leftovers”can lead to. I will stand firm, embracing God’s will. Every moment of my own physical pain from Covid is a moment to choose, over and over again, to relinquish my will to God’s, “Not my will, but Thy Will Be Done.”

Jo Ann Odeski, who was affectionately known to many as Bubbles, dedicated her life to practicing gratitude. It was always on her lips, in every situation. And, she was always teaching me and my family about it. Often right after speaking a gratitude over a particularly hard circumstance, her wonderful laugh would follow. The link between gratitude, and God’s will is real. 

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 2 Thessalonionas 5: 16-18

Bubbles was joyful always.

Mother’s Day weekend 2015

In those final days of Bubbles’ life on earth, she embraced God’s will for her life, while my will was at odds. I wanted to be by her side, show her my love for her by being there, since she loved me so well my whole life.

Through her practice and posture of embracing God’s will, and living in thankfulness always, Bubbles had a peaceful death, in God’s perfect timing. As she died gracefully, I was, and am re-learning a fundamental principle of my faith, to relinquish my will, to give it to God, daily. “Not my will, but Thy Will Be Done.”

As Bubbles taught our family and her friends so well in practicing gratitude. I’m so thankful for her life, a life well-lived, and the lessons she taught us.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=c9RJJUhPQ8I%3Fstart%3D1

*Most of this post was written in early January. Thankfully both Brok and I have fully recovered from COVID.

Fruit and Weeds

If you’ve read the Bible, It seems a sure thing that you’ve encountered a verse (or many) that don’t resonate personally, or even make sense at first. Through the first year of Brok’s injury, Psalm 34 was my go-to chapter in the Bible, especially in the early, hardest months. This passage became mine. I would read it often, and the words were my prayer for our lives. It still is, and I still find comfort in the truths in Psalm 34. 

But, one verse stood out because it didn’t seem to fit for us, and our circumstances: “Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.” Huh. It sounds good, but for whatever reason, I didn’t connect with it. Whenever I’d come to that verse, I’d think, “Okay, God…”

“Life” has just kept coming at us this year. A toddler with a broken leg in January. Sickness in the family, a sprained ankle for myself- right when we were headed on a medical trip in February. An ER visit and lacerated foot for myself in June. Plumbing issues, rental property water damage, childcare challenges. Then, earlier this summer, a brutal stomach bug that took our family out for weeks, and was the most disgusting thing we’d had in the house yet.

This year has felt like standing in the ocean and getting knocked about by really rough waves. Just when I would get my bearings, and start to stand up agin, another big one would body slam me back onto the sand again, complete with water up my nose. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. These last couple years have been beyond challenging for almost everyone. 

In the background of our lives, grief has lurked as we continue to accept, and be faced with more and more of the reality and permanence of Brok’s injury. The feeling of missing out on fun things that our family isn’t really able to do, isolation with COVID, then the isolation due to sickness, and feeling like we’re starting over in a community again after living away. Last July, we came home to a different place than the one we left, in COVID. As the Southern would say, it’s been A MINUTE.

Where has God been in the midst of all that? Actually, we were taken care of in countless ways. People dropping off meals, and helping me pack when I couldn’t walk. A family friend “just happened” to be working in the very full ER in Dallas when I need to have my foot stitched up, enabling me to hobble right in, with no wait. The special bond of old friends, but also building community with new ones has been a sweet gift.

My faith has been more messy than tidy these past couple months. I don’t like wrestling with questions that challenge God. I KNOW in my head the validity of my faith, and certainty of God in my life, but my heart hasn’t always matched as of late, and the trauma and difficulty of these last couple years started to catch up with me. I started to noticed a little disillusionment and jadedness settling in. I’ve studied the Israelites and their pilgrimage through the desert, I didn’t want to turn into them! But, I’ve felt like I’ve been in the wilderness.

This has been a time of “clinging” when God hasn’t felt particularly close.

Our house search intensified because quite frankly, we didn’t want to live another winter in our current home, and the multi-level living had seriously worn us down. My phone would alert every time a new home would come on the market. A welcome distraction from the daily grind I wasn’t enjoying. But, as much as I loved checking those alerts the second they rung, my heart’s desire was that I didn’t want my hope to be in a house! I wanted my hope to be in the Lord!

Recently a home came on the market that looked like the right fit. We started the process of trying to buy it, and in the waiting, questions about my faith came up for me. Do I believe that God is GOOD all the time? Do I believe He has my best interests at heart? I do believe those things, even when things don’t work out, and even when we think we know what is best for our lives, and His plan is different. I WANTED my answer to be yes to all those questions, no matter what happened with our home search! I was preparing myself to be disappointed, and this home not to work out. It’s a brutal market out there, and we hadn’t had our hearts broken by losing out on house we’d loved yet. I was preparing for the worst. 

The day after we got an accepted offer on the house, and there was still so much uncertainty, I was watering our little garden after the kids were in bed. I was very intently focused on the dirt, and little seedlings popping up because I didn’t want to be nosy as new neighbors were moving in next door.

I saw the little weeds cropping up, and bent down to pull them out. I started thinking about how God is the gardener of my life, and I’m the branches connected to the vine of Jesus. (John 15) What little weeds were cropping up in the soil of my soul? (Matthew 13) Our little box garden beds will be completely overtaken by weeds by the end of the summer if we don’t stay on top of it, and don’t pick the tiny ones as they get bigger over time. It has happened in the past, and the end result is an absolute overgrown, tangled mess. I wondered: “What are the little weeds starting to take root in the garden of my life?” It wasn’t but a couple days later that God showed me my hardness of my heart and lack of compassion in a certain area. Weeds. They can really sneak up on us. 

I thought about where the fruit was in my life (John 15:5), or the good crop (Matthew 13). Wasn’t there supposed to be fruit in all this refining? All this hardness? In the moments I’m stressed, and put to the test, it seems that just gross Amanda, not grace-filled, loving Amanda comes out.

As I finished up the watering, I looked up. My singular, intense focus shifted away from the weeds, and I took in the long view of the front yard. It wasn’t actually a particularly pretty view of the street and houses, but in the act of looking up, not focusing on the weeds on the ground, I instantly felt open and free. I could take in a deep breadth. Then, the red, plump, perfectly ripe raspberries caught my attention. Fruit. It was there, just a couple feet from me. I went over to it, and picked a very small harvest. It was beautiful. 

Maybe the question isn’t, “Where are you God, and what are you up to?” Or, “Where is the fruit?” Maybe the question for me is: “Which way is my gaze directed? What am I focused on?” I realized I want to keep my gaze looking up, focused on Him, the one orchestrating my life, during the pruning and weeding, one day at a time.

The inspection was the next big hurdle in the the process, and at the inspection, Brok and I spent time at the house, and walking the land (almost an acre in town!). The home backs up to a stunning creek and trail system. I decided to check it out. I left the back gate. The terrain was a lot more rugged than I anticipated, which made me sad. I thought about how the thick woods with downed trees and steep incline to the water would be challenging for Brok. I hopped over the creek on a couple rocks, and walked up the paved trail, enjoying exploring this creek and trails I hadn’t spent much time on before. We were looking at an incredible home! And yet, here I was focusing on Brok’s physical limitations, which made me sad.

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. ” Psalm 23:1-3

I walked to the top of the block, and then back down the other side of the creek, trying to find the obscure trail to the backyard. Then, I saw them: the red, plump, perfectly ripe berries nestled amongst the green leaves. I started to pick them, and enjoy them. I kept walking along the trail. Then, more red, plump, perfectly ripe berries to eat! I kept walking, but the thimbleberry patches didn’t seem to end! They weren’t picked over. They were all there, as if waiting for me to come by.

Tears filled my eyes.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The Lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

The full circle nature of the moment hit home. We waited a year in our house that was a challenging place to live after moving back to Duluth. Then, a home came on the market like nothing we’d seen in terms of meeting our needs. In the waiting of the last year, we were able to afford what we needed. The home is FULL of gifts, things we were hoping for in a home, but not sure we would get. And, the property backs up to woods, and trails, and a creek with waterfalls. Later, I realized the whole property is surrounded by thimbleberries. The fruit. It’s there.

The home, and neighborhood we’ve lived in for the past 5 years has been a blessing to us in so many ways. We’ve made so many good memories, and friends! We’ve fumbled, and struggled, and thrived at times too. We’ve trusted the gardener through it all. And now, it’s time for us to be transplanted to a new home, in a new “garden” surrounded by his grace and goodness, and thimbleberries!

“The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.” Psalm 34:7

Bedtime Stories: The Great Fish

Noble, 2, likes reading the same story every night for quite a long time before switching it up. For Bible stories, he was on a Big Boat kick (Noah and the Ark), but recently switched to the Big Fish story, a.k.a. Jonah and the Big Fish.

Years ago, when Roman was in a similar phase, I prayed one night, “Please Lord, if there’s any way, show me something new in this story that we’ve read SO MANY times.” Guess what? He did! And, that’s a story for another time!

We Love Read Aloud Bible Stories vol 4 Ella K. Lindvall and Illustrated by H. Kent Puckett from Logos Bookstore 214-369-3245, logosbks@flash.net

Recently, Noble was snuggled in the “hole” in the side of the chair in his pj’s while we read about the big fish. I was pretty much on auto-pilot, when the words I’d read so many times before caught my eye and my heart in a new way. “Jonah didn’t like it in there. But Jonah was safe.”

Read Aloud Bible Stories vol 4 Ella K. Lindvall and Illustrated by H. Kent Puckett from Logos Bookstore 214-369-3245, logosbks@flash.net

If you don’t know the story, check it out! The Bible app, YouVersion, has a fascinating 5-day devotional that explains the book of Jonah, and why it’s important.

My very, very short paraphrase of the story is that Jonah runs away from God, towards Tarshish, because he doesn’t want to do what God asks him to do, preach against the city of Nineveh. Because of his disobedience to God, Jonah ends up putting the men’s lives in danger on the ship that was carrying him toward Tarshish. Eventually, Jonah tells the men to throw him overboard so that the violent storm will calm down, and the men’s lives will be spared. They finally throw him into the sea, and despite Jonah’s disobedience and defiance towards God, God saves Jonah from drowning by sending the big fish to swallow him.

Jonah was SAFE inside that big fish. God sent the fish to save Jonah from death. There is nothing I can find in the text that indicates that Jonah had any idea how long he would be in the fish.

When I had chronic Lyme Disease years ago now, the hardest aspect of that trial for us was the unknown. We didn’t know if I would ever get better. We didn’t know if we would be able to have kids. We wanted to have children, and had no idea how long we would be in that place of poor health, and continually trying to heal my body.

Of course, “the unknown” is not the reason all trials are difficult, but in reading about Jonah in the fish, and realizing he most likely did not know what would come next, or if he would ever get out of the fish, this struck a chord with me. God gave him the gift of his life, and he was in a safe place.

We have been looking for a new home for a while now. I’m a planner. I want to know where our next home will be, when we will get it (preferably now), and what it will be like. We don’t know the answers to any of these questions. Waiting isn’t fun, it’s usually hard, and it’s difficult to make some other decisions until this one is figured out. My perspective is that we NEED a new home. But, as I read this story, it inspired the question, are we safe where God has us right now? We are safe. That is something to give thanks for, and recognize.

We do not know when things will change, but just like Jonah being in a fish, and being just where God wanted him to be in that moment, we can know we are where we are supposed to be for this time. In reading this simplified version of an obscure story, for the 100th time (maybe a little exaggeration), God used it to encourage me by giving me perspective on our situation.

I hadn’t read Jonah in years. I decided to check it out after this particular night. This story shows a surprising and ironic contrast for the reader of the Israelite being a rebel, and directly disobeying God, while the pagan sailors immediately start offering sacrifices and fearing God after he shows his power and glory in stopping the raging sea. It is meant to humble the reader who upon reading the story might feel they don’t deserve as much judgement from God because they are already people of God, when in reality, the people of God can be as sinful as anyone else. This story also shows how God desires to show mercy to all, not just the Israelite people.*

Once inside the fish, Jonah’s prayer shows his heart change. He’s grateful God saved him.

“When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’ And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.” Jonah 2: 7-10

Despite the entire city of Ninevah, more than 120,000 people(!), turning from their evil ways, and taking heed of God’s message for them, the book ends unexpectedly.

God used Jonah in such a mighty way, but then Jonah is angry that those in Ninevah were given the same grace, compassion and love that was extended to him. The story ends with an angry Jonah sitting outside the city, watching and waiting to see what will happen to Ninevah. His behavior is reminiscent of a dramatic, pouty, irrational toddler who isn’t getting his way.

I was baffled by this ending. Why would Jonah not be happy and thankful that God used him in such a mighty way?! Where did all that entitlement come from? I’ve been contemplating this for a while. My takeway is that Jonah just didn’t love what God loved. He didn’t want what God wanted.

Why would Jonah not care about what God cares about after God literally saved his life when Jonah was in the middle of disobeying him? Why would Jonah be angry after all he’d just been through with God? After all the grace and compassion he had received?

At first, second and even third glance at this story, I thought, “There’s something to learn from Jonah, but we don’t have anything in common.” But, I realized that within my heart there’s been an undercurrent of resistance that I didn’t know was there. I haven’t wanted to accept our circumstances. How do you reject something that you don’t have any control over, but still don’t want to accept? Somehow I was managing to do that. My heart has been “running the opposite direction,” so to speak. I haven’t wanted what God wants for me, and has for us. I am not saying God wanted Brok to get a spinal cord injury. But, He has a plan for us, and for the injury’s role in our lives. (See Jeremiah 29:11)

Part of becoming more like Jesus, as we grow and learn from him is sharing in his joy, in his desires and will. Becoming aware of the state of my heart was a good start in changing the direction it was pointed (toward myself). In my head, I do desire to want what God wants, and to have a heart for other people the way he does. But, at the end of the day, I want Brok to be fully healed, and I don’t want to have this injury be a permanent part of our family story. I want to go on walks and bike rides with my family in this beautiful weather. I want to travel together, and play on the beach with ease. I want, I want, I want. Oh geez, I’m starting to sound like Jonah.

I don’t want sadness and bitterness to seep in, and always looking to the next thing that we want or need, when we’ve been given so much grace. Contentment is the goal.

Many have been inspired by Brok and his response to this injury, and by our story. They have told us so. If God wants to extend the same compassion and grace we have received to others through our circumstances and experiences, I am learning that I have the opportunity to reject that in my heart, or embrace it. God’s will, will be done either way, as shown with Jonah. But how much more wonderful, fulfilling and life-giving to celebrate getting to be used in others’ lives, rather than sitting on the sidelines wining about what we don’t have or can’t do. There isn’t a comparison!

As I regularly give God our dreams, hopes and daily needs in prayer with thanksgiving, I trust that the verses at the beginning of Roman’s 5 are true.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of that glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

Rejoicing in our sufferings is a tall order sometimes, but, I persevere, and as I’ve seen in my life before, this verse will come true. The end result is hope after the perseverance. That’s the long game. The hope will come when my heart is focused on God, desiring to do his will, and abiding in Him.

“Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’ ” Jonah 2:8-9

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” Psalm 51:10-12

*These interpretations were gathered from the YouVersion devotional on Jonah.

Bedtime Stories: The Great Fish

Noble, 2, likes reading the same story every night for quite a long time before switching it up. For Bible stories, he was on a Big Boat kick (Noah and the Ark), but recently switched to the Big Fish story, a.k.a. Jonah and the Big Fish.

Years ago, when Roman was in a similar phase, I prayed one night, “Please Lord, if there’s any way, show me something new in this story that we’ve read SO MANY times.” Guess what? He did! And, that’s a story for another time!

We Love Read Aloud Bible Stories vol 4 Ella K. Lindvall and Illustrated by H. Kent Puckett from Logos Bookstore 214-369-3245, logosbks@flash.net

Recently, Noble was snuggled in the “hole” in the side of the chair in his pj’s while we read about the big fish. I was pretty much on auto-pilot, when the words I’d read so many times before caught my eye and my heart in a new way. “Jonah didn’t like it in there. But Jonah was safe.”

Read Aloud Bible Stories vol 4 Ella K. Lindvall and Illustrated by H. Kent Puckett from Logos Bookstore 214-369-3245, logosbks@flash.net

If you don’t know the story, check it out! The Bible app, YouVersion, has a fascinating 5-day devotional that explains the book of Jonah, and why it’s important.

My very, very short paraphrase of the story is that Jonah runs away from God, towards Tarshish, because he doesn’t want to do what God asks him to do, preach against the city of Nineveh. Because of his disobedience to God, Jonah ends up putting the men’s lives in danger on the ship that was carrying him toward Tarshish. Eventually, Jonah tells the men to throw him overboard so that the violent storm will calm down, and the men’s lives will be spared. They finally throw him into the sea, and despite Jonah’s disobedience and defiance towards God, God saves Jonah from drowning by sending the big fish to swallow him.

Jonah was SAFE inside that big fish. God sent the fish to save Jonah from death. There is nothing I can find in the text that indicates that Jonah had any idea how long he would be in the fish.

When I had chronic Lyme Disease years ago now, the hardest aspect of that trial for us was the unknown. We didn’t know if I would ever get better. We didn’t know if we would be able to have kids. We wanted to have children, and had no idea how long we would be in that place of poor health, and continually trying to heal my body.

Of course, “the unknown” is not the reason all trials are difficult, but in reading about Jonah in the fish, and realizing he most likely did not know what would come next, or if he would ever get out of the fish, this struck a chord with me. God gave him the gift of his life, and he was in a safe place.

We have been looking for a new home for a while now. I’m a planner. I want to know where our next home will be, when we will get it (preferably now), and what it will be like. We don’t know the answers to any of these questions. Waiting isn’t fun, it’s usually hard, and it’s difficult to make some other decisions until this one is figured out. My perspective is that we NEED a new home. But, as I read this story, it inspired the question, are we safe where God has us right now? We are safe. That is something to give thanks for, and recognize.

We do not know when things will change, but just like Jonah being in a fish, and being just where God wanted him to be in that moment, we can know we are where we are supposed to be for this time. In reading this simplified version of an obscure story, for the 100th time (maybe a little exaggeration), God used it to encourage me by giving me perspective on our situation.

I hadn’t read Jonah in years. I decided to check it out after this particular night. This story shows a surprising and ironic contrast for the reader of the Israelite being a rebel, and directly disobeying God, while the pagan sailors immediately start offering sacrifices and fearing God after he shows his power and glory in stopping the raging sea. It is meant to humble the reader who upon reading the story might feel they don’t deserve as much judgement from God because they are already people of God, when in reality, the people of God can be as sinful as anyone else. This story also shows how God desires to show mercy to all, not just the Israelite people.*

Once inside the fish, Jonah’s prayer shows his heart change. He’s grateful God saved him.

“When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’ And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.” Jonah 2: 7-10

Despite the entire city of Ninevah, more than 120,000 people(!), turning from their evil ways, and taking heed of God’s message for them, the book ends unexpectedly.

God used Jonah in such a mighty way, but then Jonah is angry that those in Ninevah were given the same grace, compassion and love that was extended to him. The story ends with an angry Jonah sitting outside the city, watching and waiting to see what will happen to Ninevah. His behavior is reminiscent of a dramatic, pouty, irrational toddler who isn’t getting his way.

I was baffled by this ending. Why would Jonah not be happy and thankful that God used him in such a mighty way?! Where did all that entitlement come from? I’ve been contemplating this for a while. My takeway is that Jonah just didn’t love what God loved. He didn’t want what God wanted.

Why would Jonah not care about what God cares about after God literally saved his life when Jonah was in the middle of disobeying him? Why would Jonah be angry after all he’d just been through with God? After all the grace and compassion he had received?

At first, second and even third glance at this story, I thought, “There’s something to learn from Jonah, but we don’t have anything in common.” But, I realized that within my heart there’s been an undercurrent of resistance that I didn’t know was there. I haven’t wanted to accept our circumstances. How do you reject something that you don’t have any control over, but still don’t want to accept? Somehow I was managing to do that. My heart has been “running the opposite direction,” so to speak. I haven’t wanted what God wants for me, and has for us. I am not saying God wanted Brok to get a spinal cord injury. But, He has a plan for us, and for the injury’s role in our lives. (See Jeremiah 29:11)

Part of becoming more like Jesus, as we grow and learn from him is sharing in his joy, in his desires and will. Becoming aware of the state of my heart was a good start in changing the direction it was pointed (toward myself). In my head, I do desire to want what God wants, and to have a heart for other people the way he does. But, at the end of the day, I want Brok to be fully healed, and I don’t want to have this injury be a permanent part of our family story. I want to go on walks and bike rides with my family in this beautiful weather. I want to travel together, and play on the beach with ease. I want, I want, I want. Oh geez, I’m starting to sound like Jonah.

I don’t want sadness and bitterness to seep in, and always looking to the next thing that we want or need, when we’ve been given so much grace. Contentment is the goal.

Many have been inspired by Brok and his response to this injury, and by our story. They have told us so. If God wants to extend the same compassion and grace we have received to others through our circumstances and experiences, I am learning that I have the opportunity to reject that in my heart, or embrace it. God’s will, will be done either way, as shown with Jonah. But how much more wonderful, fulfilling and life-giving to celebrate getting to be used in others’ lives, rather than sitting on the sidelines wining about what we don’t have or can’t do. There isn’t a comparison!

As I regularly give God our dreams, hopes and daily needs in prayer with thanksgiving, I trust that the verses at the beginning of Roman’s 5 are true.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of that glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

Rejoicing in our sufferings is a tall order sometimes, but, I persevere, and as I’ve seen in my life before, this verse will come true. The end result is hope after the perseverance. That’s the long game. The hope will come when my heart is focused on God, desiring to do his will, and abiding in Him.

“Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’ ” Jonah 2:8-9

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” Psalm 51:10-12

*These interpretations were gathered from the YouVersion devotional on Jonah.

The Best View

“Mommy, I can’t believe you climbed up here because you’re not that good at climbing. I’m so proud of you, mom.”

This left-handed compliment came from the most earnest, smiling 5-year-old. We were sitting on the top edge of a huge overturned tree in a spot specially picked by Roman. I had a whole plan for our one-on-one date, and was excited to show him one of my favorite overlooks in the park near our house. But, instead Roman wanted to show me a special part of the forest that his preschool class had visited many times. 

We had climbed to the top of the tree base, then wedged ourselves into a nook of dead tree roots to eat lunch. “This is the best view ever!” Roman said. Ironically, it really wasn’t. We were looking at some nondescript trees and snow. But, we had a special time together. Roman repeated multiple times, “I just love this view.” And, said that it was “the best day ever because I get to spend time with my mom.” Cue the heart swell.

Later that day, Noble and I had a date at the park. He was also thrilled to have me all to himself. We played “fire engine,” and put out many fires. We ran back and fourth from the little fire engine to the slides and swings, making siren sounds, as we pretended to spray out the fires with our hoses. In his raspy little 2-year-old voice, he said, “It was fun putting out a fire with you, mom.” Melt. My. Heart.

The one-on-one time was so good for all of us. The boys basked in the undivided attention, and having the opportunity to spend that time with them was so good for my heart as well.

These moments were some of my favorite gifts from the last month.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from, me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.” John 15:5-7

I have been learning about God’s vineyard, and how that metaphor applies to me and my life.* The book of Isaiah refers to Israel as a vineyard. Chapters 5 and 27 tell the story of the vineyard that God planted, and how he wanted it to bear fruit. The good things mentioned in Isaiah 5 are justice and righteousness, more fruits of the spirit are listed in the New Testament. But, in learning about God’s vineyard, one thing that stood out was how the vineyard is cared for.

“Sing about a fruitful vineyard: I, the Lord, watch over it; I water it continually. I guard it day and night so that no one may harm it.” Isaiah 27:2-3

Spending that special time with my kids led me to reflect on how I feel in God’s presence. The way my kids responded to the attention, love, and being cared for on our dates is how I feel when I notice how God takes care of me, and when I spend time with Him.

Because Jesus died for the world, not just the Jewish people, we are grafted into the family of God where he is true vine. We are the branches of the vine (John 15:5), and God is the gardener (John 15:1). 

What does it mean that God watches over the vineyard, and continually waters it? We are being continually tended to by the maker of the universe, when we choose to remain in Jesus. The Bible is FULL of examples of the benefits of our faith in Jesus. How the Lord teaches us, forgives our sins, comforts us, heals, offers a fulfilling and rich life, freedom from darkness, peace like nothing on earth can offer… Learning about him continually watering me has opened my eyes to the ways that my soul has felt watered lately:

The one-on-one time with my boys

Consistent walks with good friends

Love Creamery meet up with dear old friends, lots of laughs

A walk by myself in the bright sunshine, a soul-filling time to reflect

Laughing at a Saturday Night Live video, and other comedians with Brok

Our first family walk around the neighborhood

These are just a few examples! I want to remember, take the time to notice, and not forget that I am a precious branch in God’s vineyard. He’s there, above me, continually watering me and protecting me. With my eyes on him, I turn my face up to the water drops, as they fall. I welcome the drops of living water, look for them, and treasure them. And, by doing this, abiding in Jesus, and him in me, and accepting the pruning when it comes, there will be fruit! 

This is the best view ever. 


*I am studying the book of John in Community Bible Study. These verses stood out to me from my time in that study. Any mistakes or misinterpretations are my own.

My Lifesaver

The second I said it, I realized how often the words had come out of my mouth recently. “I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope!”

One night, after I took the trash out to the garage, I found a seat in an old rocking chair we had just taken out of the house to make more room. Next thing I know, I’m sitting there balling my eyes out. My trash run took a turn.

I sat in the fresh, 27 degrees (which believe it or not, felt great!), looking out at our cars in the dark, and cried out to God. Brok and I had just had a difficult conversation about him missing his old body. It rips my heart out every time. I was feeling so much heaviness. The underlying tension from COVID and how that affects so many areas of our lives, as well as the these recent moments that brought up all the grief surrounding this spinal cord injury, all compounded into a heaviness hovering in a huge cloud over my head. That cloud seemed to come pouring down on me in tears in a crusty, old rocker in our garage, right next to the garbage. I sat there and had it out with God.

I’ve been studying the book of John in the Bible this year. Through that, I’ve been learning about Jesus as my savior. He came to save us from our sins, but a new definition of savior started to emerge for me.

“For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:17

“Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved.” Acts 4:12

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they. may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

A couple days later, I said it again, “I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope.”

These verses marinated in my thoughts. Whose on the other end of that rope? When I realized what I had been saying, it hit me- Jesus is. He came to save. He came that I might have life, and have it to the full. He is my savior.

That night, my 2-yr-old, Noble’s injury resulted in a fractured tibia in his left leg. We hadn’t had one of those in the family yet, and my thoughts immediately went to, “Really? Just one more thing God…one more thing to adjust to, one more person to carry around, one more new set of skills to figure out…yep, at the end of my rope…”

In my mind a picture began to emerge. Jesus is in the lifeboat leaning over the side as I’m thrashing about in the rough water. He’s lowering a rope to my outstretched hand. He’s there. He’s not going anywhere. He’s waiting for me, and he’s there to save me. He’s with me in the toughest moments, and trials of my life. He’s there, hand outstretched, with the invitation to trust him, and rest in the fact that he’s there.

Along with that fractured leg, came a series of hard nights. Noble was uncomfortable and in pain. But, what also came with this new life hurdle was renewed hope as God’s people rallied around us, showing us his love, lavishing his gifts upon us, again. There was also renewed hope as my perspective on Jesus as my savior took on a new, more relevant meaning in my current circumstances.

There are meals showing up, and take out gift cards, and boxes of toys to fill the time, and notes of encouragement for Noble and I, and a homemade teddy bear with a cast on it. There was a chance for Brok and I to go to church in person! There’s been an outpouring of love into our home and our hearts through Jesus’ people, our people. This journey has helped our family learn to receive. And, through that, God has shown us his love, time and time again.

In this image in my mind of me in the water, and Jesus holding the rope to rescue me, I reach my hand out to him. But, my other hand is clenched tightly at my side, I open up my fist. I let go of anxiety, and unmet expectations, and fear of the unknown, and disappointment, and feelings of being let down, and feelings of being overwhelmed. I let them all go as I choose to fix my eyes on my savior.

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 12:12b

As I rocked my two-year-old on my lap at 3:45 a.m. one morning, I muddled through a verse of Amazing Grace. I was combining three verses into one, but who would know? All of a sudden, I was utterly startled when a tiny, clear voice joined mine! Little Noble’s voice rose up, his words making even less sense than my own as he tried to copy me. It was the sweetest, most heavenly little sound I may have ever heard. Rocking in the dark, space heater roaring, headlamp illuminating our bodies and little voices in the darkness, a tear slid down my face. In that moment, there was no place I would have rather been than singing sweet words of grace and salvation, with a very sweet little boy on my lap, to my savior. Jesus used a cuddly toddler to comfort me, and remind me he is with me, and as we sat in the dark, we were in His light.

“You O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” Psalm 18:28